I haven’t been writing much lately. I certainly haven’t posted to this blog lately. A lot has happened. I will not go into details here, because we all have our own detailed stories of feeling crushed, deeply hurt, misunderstood, and broken beyond repair. The specifics of my current story are just technicalities of what it means to be human, to love, to be loved, and to engage in this crazy thing called life. An implosion I saw off on the horizon, but kept denying would actually occur…finally occurred. I had been feeling like I was about to burnout, as if things were going to shatter beyond repair for quite some time. In many ways what unfolded in the last few weeks felt inevitable. I have done a lot of could’ve, should’ve, would’ve rehashing of what has already passed and a lot of desperate, ungrounded planning for the future. The present is a very painful place right now, best approached with mind-numbing reality TV, obsessive baking, and wine. Moments of stillness and quiet tend to creep up on me accompanied by tears, fear, and feelings of vulnerability. In the midst of a recent emotional tidal wave I caught myself thinking, “Ride the wave, don’t fight it.” And so I rode the emotions and as I started to settle back down I heard a voice whisper, “Retreat.”
I am by nature a caretaker. I am really good at taking care of others. I am not so good at taking care of myself or letting others take care of me. When I worked as a dance/movement therapist, I spent my days taking care of others. Now, as a yoga instructor, I continue to spend my days taking care of others. Over the summer I found myself taking care of several friends in need. The last month I have found myself needing to be taken care of. In the midst of the most recent events it has become crystal clear that the time to focus on taking care of myself, above all else, is imperative. It is time to heed the voice that told me to retreat. I do not fully know what that will look like. I know there will be less time spent on my phone and computer, more time spent outdoors soaking in the glorious fall, more time writing, and for a brief period, more time alone.